‘We’re only doing this for Your Safety,’ is a
phrase that has been bandied about for the last few years in answer to every
single bit of annoying trivia and senseless conversations we’ve had to
tolerate regardless of whom we’re talking to - airlines, bankers, credit
card companies, hotels or the local grocery store. Personally I’m
surprised that we don’t yet have safety harnesses in elevators rising
above four stories.
I don’t know about anyone
else, but I’ve reached the point where I’d rather not be quite so
safe. I’m willing to have an actual adventure in lieu of spending hours of
my time re-identifying myself to a bank I’ve been doing business with for
a decade and a half. I’m amazed that we don’t have to wear helmets,
or show proof of insurance while using public restrooms, just in case someone
of less than stellar repute happens to be crawling through the air vents above,
causing something to fall on our heads.
I know that you’re thinking
this might be a little far-fetched on my part, but stay with me here for just a
minute. I’ve just recently discovered that in buying something as
innocuous as a new toaster we could actually be living life on the edge.
As you know all appliances come
with instruction manuals of sorts which by and large we ignore. I mean after
all, how many instructions do you need for a new microwave oven, coffeemaker or
standup mixer? Unless you’re trying to program the clock – the rest
is probably self-explanatory. You plug it in and start using it. We’ve all
laughed about the instruction suggesting we don’t take a brand-new
hairdryer into the shower with us. My new toaster though got my
attention.
It’s very avant-garde and
looks a little like ‘Robo-Toast’ or an old-fashioned radio, with
enough knobs, buttons and levers on the front to reprogram satellites. It
doesn’t speak or wander around the kitchen but was accompanied by a
glitzy, four-color, eight page instruction booklet which on opening revealed
“Important Safeguards” as the first heading.
There are a total of 16
instructions listed. Here are just a few:
Read all the instructions. (Does
anyone you know read only the even numbered instructions?)
Close supervision is necessary
when appliance is used near children. (Hopefully you don’t live across the
street from a school- this could be time consuming.)
The use of accessory attachments
is not recommended by manufacturer. (What exactly would you attach? Perhaps a
toaster-oven if it needs a buddy or the dishwasher – just to keep things
tidy.)
Do not place toaster on a hot
gas or electric burner or in a heated oven. (I agree. Preheating your toaster
almost never works.)
Metal foil packages or utensils
must not be inserted in the toaster as they may involve a risk of fire or
electric shock. (Why would you ever want to toast a foil package or
utensil?)
Do not operate after the
appliance has been dropped, has malfunctioned, or is not operating properly.
(In other words, if it’s broken don’t use it. We’d probably
figure it out if bread wasn’t toasting.)
Do not use this toaster for
other than intended use. (What exactly do they have in mind? It wouldn’t
make a good surfboard and you’re not supposed to use it in water; perhaps
roller-skates but then you’ll have to buy two.)
A fire may occur if the toaster
is covered with or touching flammable materials such as curtains, draperies or
walls when in operation. (Exactly what kind of operations do my walls engage
in? What do they look like while engaging? With whom do they engage? What does
all this really mean?)
Could someone please explain why
it would be necessary to have any of the above in an instruction manual for a
toaster? But then we know why, don’t we? We know for instance that we live
in a very litigious society and that at some juncture each of the absurdities
listed above have found their way into yet another frivolous lawsuit.
Perhaps this is a good time to
look at the immense costs involved, to a manufacturer, of printing eight pages,
in four colors, hoping we’ll read them and not hurt ourselves doing
something as stupid as trying to toast foil or putting the toaster in a
pre-heated oven.
But the people who do these
things aren’t going to read an instruction booklet, they won’t even
think about the ramifications of their activities and don’t care about the
cost. They will always hold the manufacturer responsible for their own
inadequate abilities to connect the dots of action vs. result. They will find a
lawyer willing to take the case to court and a jury of their ‘peers’
willing to offer them a hefty monetary reward, thereby creating the incentive
to go out and do it all over again.
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