| Every time I think
I’ve heard it all another twist on a current theme comes along and it
turns out to be funnier than the last one.
We know the gods were in
splendid humor the day they ushered the awkwardly designed Echidna and
Duck-billed Platypus out of the design center.
I thought we had crested Mt.
Absurd when an article from the London Times told us about a study recommending
Termite flatulence as the hottest new source of methane.
Just between you and me, who
gets the money for these studies? Who in possession of all their faculties
would give it to them? Then who do they find to measure these gasses? Worst of
all, what do the collection containers look like?
We all know someone who could
convince us in a millisecond that a bridge could be bought for a song, or that
swampland might actually have some commercial uses in the ever-increasing
recreational marketplace. At an arbitrary, but certain age, we seem to grow
some kind of sleaze detectors that warn us before we take the fatal financial
plunge and actually offer to pay for that bridge.
But humans are plagued with a
sincere desire to believe in the magic of spontaneous wealth eruption. We often
go into a trance like state and blindly buy whatever the smooth talker is
trying to sell us off the back of his wagon. All too often these days, that
peddler is wearing the all too recognizable badge and armor of modern science
or medicine. When the person selling us on a concept or product is wearing a
white lab-coat, we desperately want to believe and the gods continue to smile
down on us in their peculiarly private amusement.
Well friends, it seems
we’ve risen to a new scientific level that should, if all goes well drive
us right over the speed bumps of civilized sanity. It seems the hard working
plant physiologists at Bar Ilan University in Israel are introducing a mixture
of water and a little Viagra, Pfizer’s designer potency drug, into the
fruit, vegetable and flower growing markets.
Lead physiologist, Yaacov
Leshem, proudly sporting his white lab coat claims, “Plants aren’t
all that different from people. Viagra helps prevent their aging and helps them
to stay erect”. Yes, that is the official statement. A few drops of Viagra
dissolved in their water assists in stopping the emission of ethylene, which as
we all know, causes ripening and eventual spoilage in vegetation.
The only drawback, according to
Leshem is the cost of the drug. Viagra is not cheap, but then that’s what
you get when you play with designer drugs. Maybe they should wait for the
generic or look alike brands to start appearing on pharmaceutical and garden
center shelves. Almost as an unrelated afterthought, the researcher admits that
the drug in the water might also affect the people eating the fruit or
vegetable treated with the stuff.
“It could certainly affect
impotency, and of course, it could also negatively affect the elderly if they
suffer from other health problems.” Leshem announced sadly. Where is Bob
Dole when you need him? Surely he could put an immediate end to that
speculative nonsense.
Taking the high road, Leshem
concluded that at the moment treating only flowers would be the safest way to
continue this important research. His assumption is that most people do not
nibble on the rosebush. But what about the next population explosion among the
deer? There is no doubt that the researchers are now looking for people to test
their theories, if you’re interested in participating just practice
grazing techniques in your own flower garden or at a park. Your activities are
bound to get someone’s attention.
The abiding question is do you
want your green onions to snap to attention whenever you open the vegetable
drawer in your refrigerator. Or maybe the lower temperature will have the
proverbial ‘cold shower’ effect on them.
What will a program like this do
to the commodities markets or the prices paid to the growers if vegetables last
longer and consumers cut their purchases in oh, let’s say half? Leaching
the drug into the soil might have additional ramifications, if you get my
drift. Why are the people in the white coats always surprised at the domino
effects of their actions?
Regardless of the ultimate
effects, my guess is that by now the gods are not just smiling us anymore. At
this moment I’m convinced they’re laughing out loud.
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